them to be happy and you’d like to have their love and approval. Sadly, more often than not, when we try to get others to love and accept us by trying to make them happy, we become resentful of what we perceive as their demanding behavior.
In our workshops, we hear frequently people describe their significant other as “controlling,” their father as “self-centred,” or their boss as “demanding.” They tell us that they spend so much time trying to make other people happy that there’s no time left for themselves. The good news is that this isn’t the only option. By taking the advice below, you can transform these feelings of resentment into a much more enjoyable experience.
You might ask, “How can I effectively interact with difficult people or handle people making demands on me?”
Don’t Categorize Them!
When you put your attention on what people “are” (controlling, self-centered, demanding) rather than focusing on what you want in the situation, you are handing them all your power on a silver platter.
By labeling the people in your life, you give them total responsibility for making things better. If you think that your unhappiness is because they “are” controlling or demanding, then your situation cannot improve unless they change. This is what we call the “blame game” and it keeps you from letting go of your hurt feelings and can ultimately result in severe relationship conflict.
The Path That Leads to True Happiness
To regain control of your own happiness, let go of the idea that other people are making you feel bad. Knowing that it’s your own thinking that is causing you to feel bad is the very first step in order for you to move ahead.
Once you understand this, you are able to turn your attention towards what you “do want” in any situation. You begin by asking yourself, “What do I need in this situation to create a result that will be agreeable to everyone involved?” You can’t get what you want until you know what it is. Start using these situations as a chance to meet everyone’s needs.
What You Put Your Attention on Expands
Focusing on the actions of others prevents you from being able to notice creative solutions for your problems. In any challenging situation or when dealing with relationship trouble, start by turning your attention inward and find your “do want” in the situation.
Steps That Will Create Magic in All Your Relationships:
1. Stop playing the “blame game.” Drop any old feelings of judgment or anger.
2. Identify what’s most important to you when you are interacting with other people. Visit our website and download our complementary values exercise. We encourage you to use it to determine the qualities that are most important to you in your relationships–the ones that bring joy and satisfaction into your life.
For example, say you become aware that you’re categorizing your boss as “difficult” or your mother as “manipulative.” As you do the values exercise, you might find that trust is something that’s very important to you. If you could only have more trust in your relationship, that would definitely bring more joy into your life. Take responsibility for having more trust in your life by identifying one specific way you could experience more trust.
3. Start asking for what you want. You might ask them if from now on, they would be willing to do their best to use whatever specific ideas you came up with to support your need for trust.
By changing where you focus your attention, from what people “are” to what you “want,” you can take back control of your own happiness. When you know that your happiness does not depend on others, you free yourself from the bonds of resentment and begin to feel better right away. Start looking for ways to have what you want, to experience what brings you more joy and, at the end of the day, to create the kind of relationships you truly desire
